Silent...

uh, been a while since i last blog-ed. I've been too occupied by various projects and perhaps.. laziness?

Past few weeks, things has been quite chaotic for me. I've been stressed out easily, get distracted easily, wondering and doubt easily. I not sure why, seems like I cant exactly get hold of my emotionS.
Until recently, I just realized that I was too furious on the challenges that being thrown to me. One by one seems to be harder to deal with, and challenges me down to my very own identity. I asked God and myself 'what am I?', 'what am I doing?', 'why do I felt judged most of the time?'. Same few questions going round and round in me, and guess what? I got NO ANSWER for a long time!

God was silent, but He spoke in silent.
Haa.. is weird, but thats how I hear Him says 'Dont be afraid! Whatever challenges you facing now, you can handle it. I, will not let you be in to a place that is beyond you. Trust in Me.'


In silent, word was born, and word is born from listening to silent.
-son of man-

Trench within my heart

Staring out through the frame, trying to be okay
but deep down my heart seems to be lack of definition
I couldn't grab hold of my senses, and my consciousness
it doesn't make any sense, no, it does not.

Now back to a familiar place, hearing stories without my foot prints
I realized how much I missed, perhaps leaving a mark is not enough for me
what can I do when I want both hands with me?
there's no solution without sacrificing one.

tasted tip of the mountain, witnessed glimpses of happiness
leaving one seems to be harder than I thought
I want to have both of the world but is impossible
how far is paradise?

Chasing dreams is what I wanted, but sacrifice is not
Choosing icing on the cake or just cake?
Living dreams or living life?
I just left confused.

As pure as Gold; white as angel

A father, holding his child with his hands,
gentle hands filled with warm and care,
unceasing love and affirmation,
is a place where they both called home;
an inner place where they can smile freely.

In 08, I was humbled by God who place 2 beautiful young lady into my life in the same time, and in the same time they both impacted me a with great lesson on "Childlike faith".
They ask for suffering coz they are afraid they might forget about God, they ask God to provide for what seems the most insignificant thing. Every time i hear them share about their faith, my heart just wept, not because of their faith but because they reflect how little faith i have in Him.
I pray ONLY when I'm weak, but they pray even when they are strong; I ask coz i cant do it, they ask even they knew they can do it with their own strength. The simplest acknowledgement of God's involvement in their life shows a great dept of their faith, and the closeness with DADDY.
It was painful because they reflected my sins, and I'm witnessing it 'LIVE'! They are just like a mirror exposing my nakedness. But I'm grateful for the reminder that I'm a sinner, and He has already clothe me with His mercy and crown me with His glory. How can it be that You love me this way? Amazing grace....

Indeed, learning this lesson wasn't a coincident. God just place them in stretagic places where I am close too, 2 very different place, Singapore and Malaysia(Can you imagine I feel so naked wherever I go?), yet they shared many similar character and personality, but most importantly they share a childlike faith that is as pure as a Gold; white as angel.
Thank you angels =D

illusionist...

Recently i heard too much of 'forget about it', 'don't think so much', blah blah blah...
I think, it really causes me to wonder why we said that so often, especially dealing with our own wounds.
Like it or not, sometime the hurts and pains is what we really need to deal with, I know facing them seems like a bad idea coz it cost TOO much!? Many, including myself have chosen an easy way out which is what I always tell myself 'forget about it', 'don't think too much', and believing in illusions of 'I'm fine' movement. Haha.. Act tough?
I guess those illusions are just like the economy today, where illusion is being treated as truth, this ticking bomb will soon be a disaster.

No man can ever live on illusion where there's no solid foundation; can you walk on the cloud that seems like a floor?
I guess the feel of emptiness has a lot got to do with our inner world haunted with illusions.

Human.. how interesting..

Human, such an interesting being that God created.
Sometimes they are the best to be with; sometimes they are the source of hell to your life.
How interesting...
They changes so quick that I cant even figure out. Skillful responses that changes from 0 - 180 within a split second is what they are capable of.
How interesting...
The ex-Planetshaker's pastor incident got me to realize of how capable we're to put on a performance that is completely differ from our soul. We have gotten so skillful with making empty words sound prophetic and inspiring.
How interesting...

Perhaps human have gotten so smart to 'convince' people that, they have, but they don't. What's next to the world could be gospel rallies from any sales men.

freak-tion

as much as I try to do, think, analyze, plan... basically anything to complicate my life, I would ended up in a mists. No matter how hard i try, suffocation seems to be my loyal friend. Complexity is the way of living?
Perhaps people are attracted by a person with high level of complexity within. People will give themselves in, just to figure out the complication of complexity.
People gets bored easily when i reveal too much of my self to them WITHOUT them spending much time and efforts. I hate it. The tag of 'boring guy' is so annoying, just like stabbed me with a knife.
I wish i'm moving, but i go nowhere...

aiyoh... emo lah...